Southern Girls
Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or, "Bless her heart, she's so bucktoothed, she could eat an apple through a picket fence." There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her heart, it weighed 10 pounds."
As long as the heart is sufficiently blessed, the insult can't be all that bad. I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling me about her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you believe it?", said her friend. "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiike thiiiissss."
Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!
We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swanee," not swear. But you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I reckon" means!
My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."
Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.
Southern girls always say:
1. "Yes, ma'am."
2. "Yes, sir."
Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah,"
2. "Well, bless your heart."
3. "Drop by when you can."
4. "How's your mother?"
5. "Love your hair."
Southern girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest
Southern girls know everybody's first name:
1. Honey
2. Darlin'
3. Sugah
Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"
Southern girls know their cities:
1. Hotlanta or Adlanna =(Atlanta as outsiders say)
2. Richmon
3. Challston
4. S'vannah
5. Birminham
6. Nawlins'
7. OH! And that city in Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates
Now you run along, Sugah, and send this to someone else raised In the South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS (Girls Raised In The South!) Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".
That reminds me - I have a rubber stamp that says "Just because your children were born in the South, it doesn't make them Southerners. After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."
Bless Your Hearts
[From my friend Joyce.]
***********
I have to add one of my favorites that I heard while living in Hooterville-from-Hell:
"Bless her heart! She's beautiful in her own unique way, isn't she?"
You know, La Speerz if from Lucy-anna. If she pops out a perfectly normal size kid in the next six months you'd better have lots of "Bless her hearts" ready to go.
Bitter?
Me?
What makes you say that?
Posted by: pops | September 20, 2004 at 10:48 PM
Take a Pepcid and let it go, Pops.
Posted by: Mike | September 20, 2004 at 11:12 PM
My, My...! You were on a roll back there weren't you. I'll take a "Blue Monday", or a {?}...never mind! I'm not Southern but I think in that direction from time to time<---oops!? {send the candy bar! You know the address :-P}
Posted by: Sallie | September 21, 2004 at 01:15 AM
This was one of the best articles I've read in awhile.
Southern Girls FUCKIN RULE!
Serewicz
(Northerner From Bawston)
Posted by: serewicz | September 21, 2004 at 08:03 PM
Linky love comes your way
Posted by: Vickie | September 23, 2004 at 11:37 AM
Oh that was cute! :) Northern girl...raised in the South! :)
Posted by: Swt GA HunnyB | September 23, 2004 at 03:56 PM
Some people don't like cornbread? Are they daft?
Posted by: Patrick Taylor | September 25, 2004 at 09:04 AM
What a hoot! Verry funny, My wife didn't think so. Yall come you hear!
Posted by: Joe | September 25, 2004 at 12:57 PM
Now you will send me my candy cause I sent you a lot of new visitors when I linked to your site and they are still coming your way because just today another one of my readers did a trackback to your site....just wiat you might be famous one day..lol
Posted by: Vickie | September 26, 2004 at 02:44 PM